Aviation Jokes

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You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...

... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."
... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

Pilot to Tower

Pilot to Tower: Pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!

Tower to pilot: Tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

Glossary of aviation terms:

Emergency generator - device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.

Landing light - preferable to landing heavy.

Bank - owners of mortgage on aircraft.

Walkaround - procedure when waiting for better weather.

Briefing - spending a long time saying nothing.

De-briefing - spending a long time saying nothing after you have done it. "

Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?

A: His guide dog's leash goes slack.

Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?

A: By the bend of the earth!

Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?

A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Gotcha!

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told that his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."

"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.

"Sure is," says the candidate.

"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?" asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where it was parked, just down the line.

A bit of Background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR (Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at first contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all our aircraft have permanent PPR's. One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29. We now pick up the audio from this momentous day: Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go." Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29". Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go" Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?" Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more." Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now." Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!" Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."

Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"

Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"

Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."

He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels caus e to concern him.
Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.                
Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction.
Blessed is he who strives to retain his standar ds, for without them he shall surely perish.                 
Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.               
Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.                
Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction.                
He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.                
He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns cu rseth his childrens children.                
Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.

Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.

Call the stewardess "nurse".

Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."

Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."

Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.

Continually offer to share your "Beano".

Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.

Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.

Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.

Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".

Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.

Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.

Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."

Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.

Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."

Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"